What’s up my beautiful people. I’ve been MIA for a bit; health catches up to you. One thing lately that I’ve been trying to cope with is grief. For chronically ill persons grief comes in so many forms and colors. I personally am experiencing family and health grief; it’s brutal. Each therapy session I try to divulge myself into what is really hurting me at my core soul. Here go my thoughts ….
Grief from losing hobbies, passions and life previously had
Grief of loosing health then freedom and ability to choose health over fun
Grief of losing your independence (because now you need to rely on people), your job (cause your body can’t take it no more) and ability to make money because let’s face it …. How?!
Grief of not being able to make plans ahead of time cause in reality who knows how you will feel when that day comes
Grief of not being able to say “yeah let’s go do this” because there’s consequences in of the whim decisions when you took no action to prep your mind and body
Grief of never feeling like you can catch a break from always being sick
Grief that your body is not what it was and now has limitations you never wanted
Grief of feeling okay today and total shit storm tomorrow. It’s a horrible roller coaster ride … good, good annnnnnd FALL TO PAIN
I’ve counted so far 8 different grief patterns that I have fallen victim to. On top of that the biggest grief …
#9 : Grief of losing family because you are now worthless to them.
How we already feel about ourselves is challenging but let’s add judgement, criticism, guilt, unreasonable expectations and constant assumptions. My family as much as I tried to explain never gave a damn about listening to what was my downfall. They degraded me, insulted me, laughed at my expense and finally shunned me away like I never existed. I want to grieve like they are all DEAD but I can’t because they aren’t actually dead but they might as well be. I know that sounds harsh but worse is abandonment of your first born during a medical emergency hours prior to an emergency medical surgery.
Like I said grief is colorful and a shape shifter. I’m trying to move on but grief is a bitch with a tight grip on both shoulders!
In spirit,
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